


Eighth Time's The Charm

by supergreak



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-12
Updated: 2010-09-12
Packaged: 2017-10-11 17:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/114776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supergreak/pseuds/supergreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaise's mum has been married seven times.  All seven husbands had money, mysterious deaths, and the same name: Henry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eighth Time's The Charm

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for massacring Herman's Hermit's lyrics and general irreverence. Other warnings(not that you need them) are at the end.   
> I blame thanfiction for getting 'Enry the Eight stuck in my head, and oddnari for encouraging me to write more after the first part. It really should have died there...

Blaise Zabini read the letter through twice more before crumpling it in his fist and dropping it in Goyle's porridge. Honestly, Blaise understood that Mother was lonely. She had been widowed for the seventh time this past June, right before sixth year started, and he had honestly believed it would be the last time. It had been confusing enough having seven different men to call "Father" growing up, even though this last one had lasted a good three years. But wasn't six months a little soon to be getting married again? He scowled again for good measure and went back to his toast. He was _not_ looking forward to meeting Mum's new husband at the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend, no matter how excited _she_ was to have a new victim, oh excuse me, _husband._ He just hoped this one lasted until he graduated, at least.

"Zabini, what did the toast ever do to you?" Draco drawled. "The news can't have been _that_ devestating. It's not like your mother's getting married again, or something."

Blaise glared.

Draco snorted his coffee. "She _isn't_. No way."

Blaise glared harder.

Draco laughed. "Ooh, Old Slughorn's gonna love this one! You'll be more famous than ever. Maybe you can wangle me an invitation to the next party?"

Blaise finally spoke. "Malfoy, keep it up, and the only thing you'll be getting an invitation to is your own funeral. Shut up about my Mum."

"Fine." Malfoy handed him a new stack of toast. "Did you hear about Midgen? Apparently she tried to Transfigure her pimples this time."

And with that, the subject was safely diverted away from Blaise and his mother.

\--

Mother was sipping tea in Le Petit Cafe when Blaise walked in. The man next to her was uglier than the last, and his wealth was so gaudily displayed that it made him want to hurl. The man stood up, extending a hand. "You must be the Blaise I've heard so much about. Pleasure to meet you. I'm Henry James Windwalker."

Ignoring the extended hand, Blaise turned to his Mum. "Mother, you _must_ be kidding me. I can understand marrying eight times, I really can! But must they all be named _Henry?_ This is the _Eighth one!_ You couldn't pick a man by any other name, like, I don't know, _Willie_ or _Sam_ or _anything_ but Henry?"

"Blaise! Have some decorum! We do not _speak_ of such subjects in public places, darling. Now sit down and be nice to Henry."

Blaise shuffled his feet before slouching quite effectively into the chair. "Fine." He grumbled. _Now this whole routine again...I give him five seconds before starting the story. Five...four...three...two..._

"Now, I met your mother purely by chance, Blaise. It was such fortune."

 _Yeah, for her. And with my luck, she'll outlive me and I'll never inherit._ Blaise schooled his features. _Channel Malfoy, now. Keep that straight face and make Mumsy happy._ "Oh truly? You must tell."

Henry-the eighth, he decided to call this one, to make his life slightly less confusing- looked pleased. "Well, I heard that there was someone new moving into the neighbourhood. When I saw your mother at the Walker's party, I knew it must be her." Blaise raised a single eyebrow at his mother, pondering whether the move was strategic, or if they had finally gotten evicted from the ritzy muggle neighborhood that she'd been staying the last time he'd gone home. Merlin knew, the cycling men and strange noises had scared off at least twenty different Homeowner's associations. Good thing she'd chosed a Wizarding neighborhood this time. He expressed none of this, however, simply asking Number Eight, "And where might this new neighborhood be?"

"Wales, Blaise, and don't interrupt." Mother cut in, passing him the cream.

"Well, I knew she was the one from our first dance. She dancing really close, and wasn't shy at all. We stayed close the whole night through, and then I walked her home, and she held my hand. I knew it couldn't be just a one-night stand, from the way she looked into my eyes, and-"

Blaise covered his eyes with his hand. "Too much information. Honestly! There are some things a young man just does not need to know about his mother." _Draco would get a kick out of this one. Theo would be laughing by now. On the floor. Rolling. I have impeccable self-control._ He steeled himself against further surprises, and carried on. "And so you're getting married."

"Oh, yes, we're in such love." Henry gushed. "Aren't we, darling?"

Mother was clearly working hard not to roll her eyes. "Oh, yes, sweetie. We're in such love. Why, we're not even waiting. We're getting married this weekend, just a quiet little ceremony."

"That's perfectly alright, Mother. I think I'll just stay at school. NEWT level classes, now, and all." With that, Blaise picked up his cloak and made for a quick exit. The autumn wind was biting, sarcastic, cold. It seemed to mock him and his twisted family. The way men cycled through his mother's life, no one man could ever be called his father. They often tried. He called them by their last names and/or Henry Numbers, but never more intimate names. No, his family was a unit of two. He understood Mother and her little quirks and her need to consume men. She loved men, but their money more, and absolutely _hated_ losing control more than anything else. He was the only one who truly understood the circumstances behind the demise of each and every man Skylar Philippa Zabini married. He loved his mother, despite her unwillingness to curb her appetite until he got out of school. It necesitated a certain attitude among his peers that decimated his dating options. The girls in Slytherin, unfortunately, were ugly. And his standards were higher than his mother's in that he sought beauty in his partners as well as a full vault in Gringotts. This recent...example only proved that Mum's eyes were getting worse every year. Honestly, Number Eight was fatter than Slughorn. Her only favor towards Blaise was ensuring that the wedding, and hopefully the death down the road, were quiet and only graced the newspapers for a few days. Hopefully, Potter would do something incredibly stupid next weekend and send the Zabinis to page eight. Well, Potter was incredibly talented at stupid things. He spotted Draco and Theo outside The Three Broomsticks, and caught up. There was never any harm in helping him along.

Henry Clearwater got back from his Floo Supervisory board meeting to an empty house. Hmmm, that was funny, Phillippa was supposed to meet him tonight. He threw some Floo powder into the fire, called "Zabini residence", and stepped through. His stomach got caught in the other side, and it took sucking in all of his abdominal muscles and a strong step to get out, and a quick _Aquamenti!_ to put out his smoking robes. He looked around the deserted manor. A ghost appeared out of one of the walls.

"Was Phillie meeting you here, or did you arrive unannounced?" The ghost inquired, leaning against one of the walls, unsheathing a sword and nonchalantly sharpening it.

"Erm, unannounced, I guess, but she was supposed to be at my place an hour ago, and never showed." He backed away from the ghost. _The sword's not real, it can't harm you. The sword's not real, it can't harm you._

"Well, I'm Henry the second. The first bloke, Blaise's daddy, was a one-night deal. I lasted a record four years before a fight when my little buddy said he loved my more than his Mum. Ooh, that was a bad night. Great sex, but she was all feeling my heartbeat and putting her arms around me. Then she put them around my neck...let's just say I never woke up the next morning. You're what, Henry the Eighth?"

Henry nodded slowly.

"Take it from me, that bird is a must to avoid. Nothing but trouble. She's gorgeous, a prize from the very start. Those deep eyes and full lips will invite you in, but knowing her truly is a complete impossibility."

Henry the Eighth sniffed. "Bollux. I know everything about her. She loves me."

Henry the Second laughed. "Take my advice. Play it smart, and cut out on the double before she gets into your heart. But from what I can tell, she's already there, isn't she."

Eight nodded. "I love her! Completely! And nothing you can say can besmirch her honor! Just because you befell unfortunate circumstances at the hands of a burglar-"

Two laughed. "Is that what she told you? And I guess five was a boating accident, then. You've been trapped in the web of her lies. Don't feel bad, a lot of other guys have felt like you do. She'll build up your hopes. Right when you need her the most, bye-bye to you!" The ghost swooped off, cackling. He was obviously bitter, and if there was such a thing as psychotherapy for ghosts, he needed it. Probably followed the family around whenever they moved. Oh, well. Philippa obviously wasn't here. Henry(the Eighth) Floo'd home before sending her an owl. It wasn't the first time he'd been stood up, and there was that great book on Goblin Literature he'd been looking forward to reading.

 

* * *

  


* * *

 

A WEEK LATER

Blaise looked at his watch once more and sighed. As of right now, his mother was married. Again.

Draco elbowed him in the side. "Zabini. We need insider information. How long will this one last? My money's on a month or less. Theo thinks your mother plans on settling, and is voting for three. Crabbe and Goyle...well, they still haven't figured out that all of these men named Henry that your mother hangs around aren't all the same person. It is confusing, I suppose. What's your bet?"

Blaise rolled his eyes. "Ten sickles on less than 48 hours."

Theo whistled. "Risky, there. What makes you so sure?"

"Mum's acting in the introduction dinner was more superficial than usual, and he has a pre-existing heart condition. It'd be easy to blame."

"Didn't she already use the heart failure once?" Pansy broke in from the other couch.

"Nope. She's done a diabetic coma, rattlesnake venom when camping in Arizona, a drowing, a burglary-gone-wrong, a suicide by his own wand, one turned criminal and got shot by the Muggle police, and one apparently fell under the romantic charms of a male giant and got buggered to death. He was a little...rough with his toys. And they haven't been able to trace a single one back to her. She won't even admit to me that she's behind them all, but-"

"We all know what she's like." Draco finished.

"Exactly."

"So, 48 hours?" Theo wrote down. "Thank you, gentlemen. Bets will be tabulated and paid out after three months or when this one bites the dust, whichever happens first."

\------------------------

"Man and wife." The warlock at the ministry intoned. "And have a nice day."

Henry and Phillipa walked out of the building, smiling at the sunshine. Henry saw Phillippa lookin' his way and his heart pounded. If it got and faster, it was going to jump right out of his chest. They walked down the road and caught a flying carpet, invisible of course, back to the manor. Riding on the magic carpet, Henry leaned forward and whispered in Philippa's ear. "Baby, can't you hear my heartbeat? It's pounding because you're the one I love."

Philippa sighed and reclined into his chest. "Yes, darling. I'm mighty glad I found you, too."

Philippa parked the magic carpet ride on the back lawn. They dashed inside right as it started pouring down rain. "Oh, no!" Cried Henry. "The carpet!"

"Don't go out into the rain, sugar. Come and sit here by the fire for a spell." Philippa patted the couch next to her. She crawled onto his lap, kissing his face, his eyes, his lips. The kiss deepened and Henry began moaning. Philippa wrapped her arms around his neck, tightening them gradually. With a horny, distracted man under her, it was simple to tighten her arms, then hands around his neck, while ensuring with her mouth that he wasn't getting oxygen from there. Eventually, the groaning stopped, and she jumped off her latest husband, waving her wand in a scanning charm over his body to make sure that he was dead. She Flooed Saint Mungos, looking like the perfectly distraught wife.

For the next two hours, her carpet was getting trampled by Healers, Aurors, and that bloke from the morgue. She gave the scene one final look and stoically walked up the stairs.

\---------------------

When Blaise found her, she was filing her nails and singing quietly to herself. " _There's a kind of hush, all over the world tonight._ " She looked up at him. "Oh, hello, darling. Henry the Eighth was ever the noisy one. I'll be quite relieved when this is all over."

He smiled tolerantly at his mother. "They've cleared out now, and I've taken care of the paperwork. Why don't you get away from all the memories" _and all the men_ "here and go on a nice holiday. I've booked you a room for three months at an all-women resort in the Caribbean."

"That sounds lovely, darling. No tempting men, there, either. They are _such_ a hassle to put up with once you've married them."

\--------------------

 _Blaise is having fun_. Theo thought, looking over at his friend. _It's been long enough. Maybe this'll take his mind off of things with his mum._ They were having a party in the common room, for no other reason than that it was a Friday in late November, and they were bored. Suddenly, an owl swooped in through the open portrait hole, heading straight for Blaise and dropping a letter on his head. He opened it, turned white, and promptly fainted.

A look that was almost…concerned graced Theo's features. He bent over and wrestled the letter out of Zabini's still hand.

 _Darling,_

 _I'm having a blast here. My hair is getting lighter, it's so warm all the time, and the food is fantastic. Most importantly, I've met this fabulous woman named Henrietta. I'm bringing her home with me, so please make sure the House Elves haven't destroyed the house while I've been away._

 _Much love,  
_ Mum. __

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! This fic contains the non-graphic, but violent, death of very unimportant original characters, crack, minor nookie, and really bad puns. Do not take it seriously. Do not drink Sprite whilst reading.


End file.
